This morning a gust of wind woke me up. I couldn't go back to sleep. It's funny how the smallest things, like wind, will get your mind rolling.
The flowers at the cemetery...
Has the wind messed them up?
I should make a trip out there today and check.
But bad weather is on it's way.
Maybe I should wait until that storm system rolls through before I go.
What if the flowers bleed?
Maybe I should make a back-up arrangement just in case.
Nope, I'm not going to obsess.
I laid in bed and my mind kept going. Thoughts of my mama can be so beautiful but they can also haunt me. This morning a new thought popped in my head. One I haven't thought of at all until this morning. I can't shake it.
When my mom first started taking pain pills she was still very innocent. She had to steal a prescription pad from the Doctors office and write her own prescriptions. She got caught. The judge went easy on her. He took one look at her and recognized she was not a danger or threat to society. He made her attend NA meetings. My mom was incredibly embarrassed and remorseful. She got clean. She started going to NA meetings regularly. That is when she became friends with those people. I did not like those people one bit. I thought they were trashy, I had the right to think that. I knew they were using my mom. She had a car, she had money, and she had a huge heart. She wanted to save those people. It wasn't long and my mom was caught up in the drama and chaos of those people. It wasn't long until my mom started using again. Now she had connections. Connections to much more than pain pills.
One friend of hers, I really hated. This lady was horrible. She instantly had a thing for my mom and she came around ALL THE TIME. This woman, I will call her Mullet because it's the nicest word I can come up with to describe her and she naturally had a mullet, was the worse thing that ever happened to my mama. Mullet was the lowest of the low. She could't read or write. She was a thief. She got in fights. She was a drug addict.
My mom and Mullet lived together after mom and bonus dad divorced. I couldn't stand it! My mom was left in good shape after the divorce. She got the house that was paid for, her car that was paid for, and a large sum of cash. She also received alimony for two years. I would love to tell you how much she got to give you a clear picture but I am going to respect my bonus dad and not say. I will tell you this, it was a dangerous amount for a drug addict. In a short two years my mom had nothing. She didn't have a house or a penny to her name. It was all gone, IN TWO YEARS...GONE! Trust me, your mouth would drop and you would have a hard time believing me if I told you the amount.
Mom and Mullet found a tiny house in the city and that is where they lived for the last ten years or so. Those ten years were pure and utter hell. I loved my mom, I could deal with her. When I had to deal with Mullet I would lose it. She would call me and cuss me out. She would say things to me that I would't say to my biggest enemy, they were evil. I would sink to her level and the fight was on. Have I mentioned I hated her?
In January of 2015 my mom found Mullet dead. She overdosed and died in her sleep. When I got the phone call from my uncle telling me that Mullet was dead, I started crying. I wasn't one bit sad that Mullet had died, I hated her. I sounds bad to say I hate a dead person, doesn't it? I was scared. I knew this was going to be rock bottom for my mama. This would make or break her. Deep down I knew it would break her. I knew my mama's time on this earth was short. That is when I started writing my blog.
I laid in bed this morning and thought of everyone my mama would be spending Thanksgiving with tomorrow. She will be with her mom and dad, her baby grandson, her sister, her grandmother that she loved so deeply. Out of nowhere, for the first time since my mom passed away, Mullet popped in my head.
Noooo, don't let my mom be spending Thanksgiving with Mullet!!
Surly Mullet isn't in heaven, she was evil.
I don't want them together!
But if I know God is compassionate and has forgiven my mom then shouldn't I expect the same for Mullet?
Today I am praying for Mullet. I am praying for her soul. I am praying that she is at peace and in her perfect form. I need to do this. I need to do this for my mama but more importantly I need to do this for myself. I am going to make peace with Mullet. I will not try to play God and pick and choose who deserves forgiveness. As I pray for Mullet's soul, I will be helping to heal mine.