Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Happy Birthday, Mama!

Here it is. Your 62nd birthday. It's hard to believe you have been gone for eight months. With your birthday creeping up, you have been on my mind a lot. 

I am mostly happy. I am happy that you are no longer living in your hell here on this earth. I am happy that you are surrounded by the purest love, one so pure my mind can't grasp it's beauty. I am happy you are with your grandma. All the stories you have told me about her, you loved her so much. I am happy you are with her again. I am happy you are at peace. I am happy you are no longer fighting the battle that slowly destroyed you. I am happy you are no longer living a life full of shame. I am happy that you are watching over Shane and I. I am really happy.  

I am sad, too. I am sad that you lived so many years as an addict. I am sad you lost your way. I am sad that my husband and son never knew who you were, before addiction. I am sad you forgot who you were, before addiction. I am sad Satan chiseled away at your soul, he is evil. I am sad you felt hopeless. I am sad you never really knew all your grandchildren, they would have brought you so much joy. I am sad you were so desperate that the only way you saw out was killing yourself. All that makes me really sad. 

I have been thinking about your birthday last year. I wish wonderful memories flooded over me, but they don't. You were a chore. I had to call you, all I really wanted to do was run from you. I knew you wanted me to give you money, but I finally knew better. I liked giving you money, I got a payoff from it. You would call me so happy. You would gush about what a wonderful daughter I was. You would tell me how great of a mom and wife I had become. You would tell me how much you loved me and how proud you were of me. It felt good to hear those things from you. When there was no money, you were cold. You made me feel selfish, greedy, and judgmental. I didn't give you money last year, just an empty card. I didn't want to talk to you. I didn't want to hear the disappointment in your voice. You were a chore.

I have done so much learning and growing in the last eight months. I am finally getting a small grasp on what you were going through. I have read blogs, stories, articles, and books about addiction since your death. It's funny, my whole life I have ran from your addiction, now I read about it every chance I get. I wonder, if I knew then what I know now, would I have been different? Would I have ran from you? It was the only way I knew how to survive and not let your chaos consume me. I had to be the best mom and wife I could be, your chaos made that hard. 

So many people told me I would find relief after you died. I didn't like hearing that. I would never be relieved that you died in the most lonely way imaginable. I guess I don't like the word relief, to me it means comfort. I will never feel comfort that you committed suicide. I get what they meant, now. I am calm. I had more anxiety than I ever realized. My heart doesn't stop when the phone rings anymore. I don't have a ton of bottled up energy. I don't pace the floors. I don't keep my house perfect. I don't feel the need to control every single thing I possibly can. I don't stay up at night planning your funeral in my head. I don't breathe down my son's throat making sure he is "spot on" with every single thing he does. I have taken a few naps! That is HUGE! I don't think I have taken a nap in 20 years. I saw a picture of myself after you slit your throat a few years ago. Man, I remember all the junk and chaos that came with that. I was so skinny. I would forget to eat, and when I did it made my stomach hurt. My stomach doesn't hurt anymore and I sure don't forget to eat! I have relaxed. I am calm and I have found inner peace.

Happy Birthday, Mama! I love you so, so much. I imagine you now, what you must be like in your perfect heavenly form. The vision in my mind is breathtaking. I miss you so very much, but it is getting easier. Thank you for the white feathers. Thank you for the small, simple signs you have given me letting me know you are okay. Thank you for coming to me in my dreams. Thank you for all the talks we had, you had so much wisdom. Thank you for building me up when I felt like the world was tearing me down.  Thank you for all the sacrifices you made for me. Thank you for loving me. You have made me who I am, I am eternally grateful for you. For your birthday this year, I am giving you my heart. It is one that is over-flowing with love for you, sweet mama!

XOXOXOXOXOXO


  





   

   

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