Hope

Four months ago today I was woken by a 4:00 am phone call. I had no idea what was in store. I had no idea that my heart would be ripped out of my chest. I had no idea my mom was in such a state of desperation. I had no idea I would never speak to my mama again. I had no idea I would be planning a funeral. I had no idea I would be shaken to the core. I had no idea.

If you love an addict you know that awful things happen. You know things happen that you know nothing about and honestly, you don't want to know. You know the anger, confusion, disappointment, frustration and love you have. You also know when things are really bad there is this small amount of hope you start to feel. You think maybe this is rock bottom. Maybe this is what it will take. You always have hope. You quit admitting to people you have hope because the people that love you want to protect you from being let down... again. But deep inside you have hope.

On July 3rd, I had hope. I was so frustrated with my mom. Her bad choices were incredibly frustrating. I knew there was a good chance my uncle's were going to kick my mom out of my grandma's house. I wouldn't blame them, my grandma was too old. I knew my mom would be backed against a wall. She would have nowhere to go. I told my mom she was always welcome at my house but she had to go to treatment and complete it first, my brother felt the same way. My mom was out of options. This could be her rock bottom. I had hope. 

I knew my mom was suicidal. I knew she had those thoughts. At times she would speak openly to me about them. I didn't think she would actually do it. She attempted so many times. We all know if you really want to kill yourself, you can get it done. She had never gotten it done. I didn't think she would actually go through with it. When my uncle called and told me about the suicide letter and that the gun was missing, I knew I was wrong. I knew my mom had done it. For the first time ever, all of my hope was gone.

I keep waiting for the "relief" everyone talks about. I am not relieved that my mom committed suicide. I am finding peace with it. I am coping with it. I am soaking in the small things. I am loving my friends and family harder. I am loosening up. I am truly living life. I believe in happiness. I have my hope back. Hope that my mom's story will help someone. Hope that her grandchildren have seen what drugs do and they will never take that road. Hope that people will change their views and opinions on how to treat addicts. Hope.