The Wind

This morning a gust of wind woke me up. I couldn't go back to sleep. It's funny how the smallest things, like wind, will get your mind rolling.  

The flowers at the cemetery...

Has the wind messed them up?

I should make a trip out there today and check.

But bad weather is on it's way.

Maybe I should wait until that storm system rolls through before I go.

What if the flowers bleed?

Maybe I should make a back-up arrangement just in case.

Nope, I'm not going to obsess.

I laid in bed and my mind kept going. Thoughts of my mama can be so beautiful but they can also haunt me. This morning a new thought popped in my head. One I haven't thought of at all until this morning. I can't shake it.

When my mom first started taking pain pills she was still very innocent. She had to steal a prescription pad from the Doctors office and write her own prescriptions. She got caught. The judge went easy on her. He took one look at her and recognized she was not a danger or threat to society. He made her attend NA meetings. My mom was incredibly embarrassed and remorseful. She got clean. She started going to NA meetings regularly. That is when she became friends with those people. I did not like those people one bit. I thought they were trashy, I had the right to think that. I knew they were using my mom. She had a car, she had money, and she had a huge heart. She wanted to save those people. It wasn't long and my mom was caught up in the drama and chaos of those people. It wasn't long until my mom started using again. Now she had connections. Connections to much more than pain pills. 

One friend of hers, I really hated. This lady was horrible. She instantly had a thing for my mom and she came around ALL THE TIME. This woman, I will call her Mullet because it's the nicest word I can come up with to describe her and she naturally had a mullet, was the worse thing that ever happened to my mama. Mullet was the lowest of the low. She could't read or write. She was a thief. She got in fights. She was a drug addict.

My mom and Mullet lived together after mom and bonus dad divorced. I couldn't stand it! My mom was left in good shape after the divorce. She got the house that was paid for, her car that was paid for, and a large sum of cash. She also received alimony for two years. I would love to tell you how much she got to give you a clear picture but I am going to respect my bonus dad and not say. I will tell you this, it was a dangerous amount for a drug addict. In a short two years my mom had nothing. She didn't have a house or a penny to her name. It was all gone, IN TWO YEARS...GONE! Trust me, your mouth would drop and you would have a hard time believing me if I told you the amount.

Mom and Mullet found a tiny house in the city and that is where they lived for the last ten years or so. Those ten years were pure and utter hell. I loved my mom, I could deal with her. When I had to deal with Mullet I would lose it. She would call me and cuss me out. She would say things to me that I would't say to my biggest enemy, they were evil. I would sink to her level and the fight was on. Have I mentioned I hated her?

In January of 2015 my mom found Mullet dead. She overdosed and died in her sleep. When I got the phone call from my uncle telling me that Mullet was dead, I started crying. I wasn't one bit sad that Mullet had died, I hated her. I sounds bad to say I hate a dead person, doesn't it? I was scared. I knew this was going to be rock bottom for my mama. This would make or break her. Deep down I knew it would break her. I knew my mama's time on this earth was short. That is when I started writing my blog.

I laid in bed this morning and thought of everyone my mama would be spending Thanksgiving with tomorrow. She will be with her mom and dad, her baby grandson, her sister, her grandmother that she loved so deeply. Out of nowhere, for the first time since my mom passed away, Mullet popped in my head.

Noooo, don't let my mom be spending Thanksgiving with Mullet!!

Surly Mullet isn't in heaven, she was evil.

I don't want them together!

But if I know God is compassionate and has forgiven my mom then shouldn't I expect the same for Mullet? 

Today I am praying for Mullet. I am praying for her soul. I am praying that she is at peace and in her perfect form. I need to do this. I need to do this for my mama but more importantly I need to do this for myself. I am going to make peace with Mullet. I will not try to play God and pick and choose who deserves forgiveness. As I pray for Mullet's soul, I will be helping to heal mine. 

      

  

Thankful & Grateful

I have been dreading this since the day my mom took her life. I love the holidays. This year is different. The thought of them give me anxiety. I didn't spend very many holidays with my mom. She always had some tragic emergency excusing her from coming around. Something always prevented her from showing up to family gatherings. Sickness, car trouble, drive by shootings, break-ins, muggings, and so on. None of which were true. I, of course, went along with her stupid stories. I am frustrated with myself for that. Why didn't I call her out? Why didn't I fight harder? I lived in fear. I was terrified of my mama. I was scared to death that the minute I called her out she would kill herself. When my brother would tell me he was going to confront her, I got scared. I would give him the scenario  of him having that hard truth talk with her and then she kills herself. I was worried sick he would have to live with that. He would change his mind and keep quiet. He was scared, too.

I spent Thanksgiving with my mama two years ago. I was a nervous wreck. My husband's family was at my house. My mom was beat to hell. She told me a man with road rage pulled her out of her car and beat her. I knew that wasn't the truth. I knew that wasn't what happened. Once again, I went along with it. I acted like I believed every word she said, even though her story changed a few times. I am dealing with that. I hate it. Why was I such a coward? The very thing I was so scared of happened. Why didn't I get real with her? If I would have had that hard come to Jesus talk with her she might be spending this Thanksgiving with me. I hate this. I already said that, didn't I?         

I think I unknowingly sabotaged this holiday season. I put our house on the market with no plan. We have no home to buy. Who does that?! Our house sold in three days. We are closing on December 18th. Do you know what that means? No decorating for the holidays. This year instead of enjoying the holidays we will be packing up and moving. Very clever, huh? Until the moment I had a small breakdown. Out of nowhere I started crying. I blurted out to my husband I am leaving my mom! I am leaving the house that she knows I live in! What if she needs me? She won't be able to find me! I was stunned when those words came out of my mouth. I started laughing and crying at the same time. I knew what I said was crazy. Where did that come from?

Even though I am dealing with a lot of stupid guilt and self-doubt, it is easy to recognize how blessed I am. I have the most patient, kind, giving, loving, and handsome husband. I have a son that would make it easy for me to be of those annoying bragging moms. He is wise beyond his years. I have a brother that is my best friend. We decided a long time ago that we would stand united through everything and we have never swayed from that. I have a bonus dad that has been my rock. He is the most compassionate human I have ever known. I can count on him 100% of the time. I have his new wife and her family. They are good people. I consider them family. I have my dad's family. They have stood by me every.single.step of the way.  I have in-laws that I could have searched the world over and not found better. Most importantly, I have a compassionate, loving, and forgiving God. Because of Him I will see my mama's beautiful face again. Because of Him I know my mom is healed and complete. I am thankful and grateful. Happy Thanksgiving!

   

   

Hope

Four months ago today I was woken by a 4:00 am phone call. I had no idea what was in store. I had no idea that my heart would be ripped out of my chest. I had no idea my mom was in such a state of desperation. I had no idea I would never speak to my mama again. I had no idea I would be planning a funeral. I had no idea I would be shaken to the core. I had no idea.

If you love an addict you know that awful things happen. You know things happen that you know nothing about and honestly, you don't want to know. You know the anger, confusion, disappointment, frustration and love you have. You also know when things are really bad there is this small amount of hope you start to feel. You think maybe this is rock bottom. Maybe this is what it will take. You always have hope. You quit admitting to people you have hope because the people that love you want to protect you from being let down... again. But deep inside you have hope.

On July 3rd, I had hope. I was so frustrated with my mom. Her bad choices were incredibly frustrating. I knew there was a good chance my uncle's were going to kick my mom out of my grandma's house. I wouldn't blame them, my grandma was too old. I knew my mom would be backed against a wall. She would have nowhere to go. I told my mom she was always welcome at my house but she had to go to treatment and complete it first, my brother felt the same way. My mom was out of options. This could be her rock bottom. I had hope. 

I knew my mom was suicidal. I knew she had those thoughts. At times she would speak openly to me about them. I didn't think she would actually do it. She attempted so many times. We all know if you really want to kill yourself, you can get it done. She had never gotten it done. I didn't think she would actually go through with it. When my uncle called and told me about the suicide letter and that the gun was missing, I knew I was wrong. I knew my mom had done it. For the first time ever, all of my hope was gone.

I keep waiting for the "relief" everyone talks about. I am not relieved that my mom committed suicide. I am finding peace with it. I am coping with it. I am soaking in the small things. I am loving my friends and family harder. I am loosening up. I am truly living life. I believe in happiness. I have my hope back. Hope that my mom's story will help someone. Hope that her grandchildren have seen what drugs do and they will never take that road. Hope that people will change their views and opinions on how to treat addicts. Hope.