Happiness

We have moved into our new house and things have settled. With a less chaotic life, thoughts of my mom have been heavy again. I have so many questions. Not the same questions I struggled with for so long. I have finally truly accepted that I will never know what happened in the final moments of my mom's life. I will never know if she suffered or died instantly. I will never know if she was numb. I will never know if she would have heard my voice that day, would she have still taken her life. I am at peace with all these questions. I know that having the answers would not have changed the final outcome.

I still have questions, though. Why did this happen? Why was this my mom's journey? Why do bad things happen to really good people? My mom was good. She was so, so good. What am I suppose to do with this? There has to be a reason this happened. What is the reason? I Know you are not suppose to question God but, I have. Why, why, why? Why do so many people hurt? Why do mothers lose their children? Why are innocent children molested and abused? Why is cancer even a thing? Why can some people have a drink, sit it down and walk away? Why does it destroy others? I think our tiny little human brains would not be capable of understanding the magnitude of His plan, even if He told us.

A few weeks ago I was thinking about the fact that I have wanted to change the world with my mom's story. Maybe her story has helped someone, maybe it hasn't. Then it hit me like a bolt of lightening. The quote I love so much by Mother Teresa, "If you want to bring happiness to the whole world, go home and love your family." It is really that easy! Love is always the answer. I am loving my family, really loving them. I am putting my phone down. I am turning off the television. I am slowing down and living in the moment. No more looking at facebook at night while lying next to my husband in bed. No more missing a sweet flip my son busts out because I am reading some silly article on my phone. Love, really love. Live in the moment. I believe with everything in me, that is the key to happiness. Let's be unusually happy! *see what I did there ;)

           

   

Happy Birthday, Mama!

Here it is. Your 62nd birthday. It's hard to believe you have been gone for eight months. With your birthday creeping up, you have been on my mind a lot. 

I am mostly happy. I am happy that you are no longer living in your hell here on this earth. I am happy that you are surrounded by the purest love, one so pure my mind can't grasp it's beauty. I am happy you are with your grandma. All the stories you have told me about her, you loved her so much. I am happy you are with her again. I am happy you are at peace. I am happy you are no longer fighting the battle that slowly destroyed you. I am happy you are no longer living a life full of shame. I am happy that you are watching over Shane and I. I am really happy.  

I am sad, too. I am sad that you lived so many years as an addict. I am sad you lost your way. I am sad that my husband and son never knew who you were, before addiction. I am sad you forgot who you were, before addiction. I am sad Satan chiseled away at your soul, he is evil. I am sad you felt hopeless. I am sad you never really knew all your grandchildren, they would have brought you so much joy. I am sad you were so desperate that the only way you saw out was killing yourself. All that makes me really sad. 

I have been thinking about your birthday last year. I wish wonderful memories flooded over me, but they don't. You were a chore. I had to call you, all I really wanted to do was run from you. I knew you wanted me to give you money, but I finally knew better. I liked giving you money, I got a payoff from it. You would call me so happy. You would gush about what a wonderful daughter I was. You would tell me how great of a mom and wife I had become. You would tell me how much you loved me and how proud you were of me. It felt good to hear those things from you. When there was no money, you were cold. You made me feel selfish, greedy, and judgmental. I didn't give you money last year, just an empty card. I didn't want to talk to you. I didn't want to hear the disappointment in your voice. You were a chore.

I have done so much learning and growing in the last eight months. I am finally getting a small grasp on what you were going through. I have read blogs, stories, articles, and books about addiction since your death. It's funny, my whole life I have ran from your addiction, now I read about it every chance I get. I wonder, if I knew then what I know now, would I have been different? Would I have ran from you? It was the only way I knew how to survive and not let your chaos consume me. I had to be the best mom and wife I could be, your chaos made that hard. 

So many people told me I would find relief after you died. I didn't like hearing that. I would never be relieved that you died in the most lonely way imaginable. I guess I don't like the word relief, to me it means comfort. I will never feel comfort that you committed suicide. I get what they meant, now. I am calm. I had more anxiety than I ever realized. My heart doesn't stop when the phone rings anymore. I don't have a ton of bottled up energy. I don't pace the floors. I don't keep my house perfect. I don't feel the need to control every single thing I possibly can. I don't stay up at night planning your funeral in my head. I don't breathe down my son's throat making sure he is "spot on" with every single thing he does. I have taken a few naps! That is HUGE! I don't think I have taken a nap in 20 years. I saw a picture of myself after you slit your throat a few years ago. Man, I remember all the junk and chaos that came with that. I was so skinny. I would forget to eat, and when I did it made my stomach hurt. My stomach doesn't hurt anymore and I sure don't forget to eat! I have relaxed. I am calm and I have found inner peace.

Happy Birthday, Mama! I love you so, so much. I imagine you now, what you must be like in your perfect heavenly form. The vision in my mind is breathtaking. I miss you so very much, but it is getting easier. Thank you for the white feathers. Thank you for the small, simple signs you have given me letting me know you are okay. Thank you for coming to me in my dreams. Thank you for all the talks we had, you had so much wisdom. Thank you for building me up when I felt like the world was tearing me down.  Thank you for all the sacrifices you made for me. Thank you for loving me. You have made me who I am, I am eternally grateful for you. For your birthday this year, I am giving you my heart. It is one that is over-flowing with love for you, sweet mama!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

  

   

   

Making Mama Happy

"Life is amazing. And then it's awful. And then it's amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful it's ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That's just living a heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it's breathtakingly beautiful." - L.R. Knost

I love talking about my mom. I could talk about her all day everyday. I keep it in because I don't want to make people uncomfortable. I don't want to bore them. I don't want to be a downer. There are a lot of reasons I don't talk about her. But, I love it. I love listening to friends advice. I love when a stranger says something sweet. I love words of encouragement. I have seen more love and good in the 6 months since my mom took her life than I have my 37 years. I'm sure it has always been there, I just wasn't looking.

Three months after my mom passed away I had something amazing happen. I met a wonderful lady, Kandy. She lost her mother to addiction three months before I lost my mama. We had lunch together for the second time yesterday. She might be my favorite person, other than my brother, to talk about my mom with. She gets it. Like, she really gets it. I love to hear her talk about her mother. She has guilt, questions and heartache. She also laughs at things that most people would find inappropriate. I love that. I laugh/laughed at things my poor mama did often. They really weren't funny. Sometimes you just have to laugh, I get it. She said something to me yesterday that I can't stop thinking about. She told me that Satan is working his way into our heads. He is enjoying watching us suffer with self-doubt and guilt. I needed to hear that... from her. Because she gets it. 

You see, I dropped the ball. A few months before my mama took her life, I got real with her. I was honest and told her things she needed to her. It made her mad and we ended up yelling at each other. She told me I was judging her. She told me she felt like my love for her was conditional. She told me she loved me unconditionally. She also told me she would take a bullet for me. I can still hear her saying those words. I now know it was more difficult for her to not take a bullet for me. I told her if she would really take a bullet for me then she would go to treatment for me. She hung up. A few days later she called me back and agreed to go. She promised she would go as soon as her foot healed. Well, her foot healed and I didn't push it. I didn't feel like fighting. I knew it would take every ounce of energy I had, emotionally and physically. I just dropped it. I took the selfish and easy path. That haunts me. 

My brain tells me it wouldn't have made a difference. She had gone to treatment a dozen times. She has had more opportunities than any other addict I know. My heart tells me things would have been different. Why did I quit on her? What if it would have worked this time? What if I would have pushed her? Satan is loving this. That makes me mad. I know God doesn't want me doing this. I know my mama would set me straight if she could. I am going to think about the show I am giving Satan every time the guilt starts sneaking in. I am not going to make his evil heart happy.

I am going to do something good with this. I don't know what, just yet. I will not let my mama's death be in vain. Something wonderful is going to come from this. Kandy feels the same way. We both shared a few of our ideas with each other. I believe in us. We have both had signs that our mom's are with us. I know they are. We are going to make them proud. I am going to give my mama a show that makes her sweet heart happy. Satan can suck it.