The day of my mom's burial my brother's family, my bonus dad, and my little family loaded all my mom's stuff up and brought it back. Everything she owned fit in two trucks and two trailers. In order to get my mom's things we had to go where she killed herself. My grandma bought the house next door to her and our family uses that house as our own personal storage unit. That is where my mom's stuff was. The carport on the side of that house is where my mom was found. An old car was parked there and she was inside that car. That old house is so sad, my mom's last view on this earth was such a sad and lonely place.
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| The saddest place on earth |
Once we had all my mom's things, it was time to go through them. My emotions were all over the place. I would get mad at how she lived, her once nice things were in horrible condition, everything was dirty and had an odor. There were things that touched my heart. My mom held on to some things that my brother and I had made or written for her. Her life was so crazy and out of control but she managed to hold on to a few things that were special to her. I was sad, my mom, who once had it all, had nothing. Every last thing she owned came to $1000. That broke my heart into a million pieces. Her life was so, so sad.
We had not been able to see my mom's suicide letter. When a person commits suicide the letter is taken and held as evidence, just in case there was any foul play. They cannot release the letter until they have received all the records from the medical examiner's office stating it was indeed a suicide. A week ago today I found out that the letter was ready to be picked up. My husband took the next day off of work and away we went. My heart was pounding the whole way there. I can't put into words the feeling I had of the Savior's presence. I could feel his warmth and I knew everything was going to be okay.
I had the letter in my hands but didn't read it until I got in the car. It was written on three little pieces of paper, like grocery list paper. As I read her jumbled words and scattered thoughts I felt ripped off. My mom had ripped me off, again. I wanted so badly for my mom to tell me how much she loved me, I wanted at least a paragraph. My brother and I got a few sentences, that's it. She said she loved us and we deserve better. She asked for forgiveness. That is all we got. I am not mad at her, it shows me how numb she was at that moment. My mom was numb, tired,desperate, and finished.
The evening after reading her suicide letter, my husband and I were sitting on the back porch. I was ready to listen to her voice mails. It was the last thing I needed to do and I was ready. As I listened to them, four to be exact, they actually made me giggle a bit. Two of them she was high, I could tell in two seconds if my mom was loaded. In one of them she was griping me out, that one made me giggle the most. The other one she actually sounded clear! She would have a day every now and then when she sounded like my old mom again. I have one of those moments captured on my phone, it is precious to me.
I have learned so much in three short months. I have marveled at God's timing since my mom passed away. His timing is always spot on, always. I thought I was going to help so many people by sharing my mom's story, the truth is everyone has helped me. I have learned that people are good, loving, and caring. I will live the rest of my life pouring love on everyone that crosses my path. In the end it's about how we made people feel, it's about helping others, it's about kindness, and it's about loving one another. May the healing begin...
