Blame and Forgiveness

When my mom took her life I was in shock the first few days. It didn't seem real, it still doesn't sometimes. My mom attempted suicide several times but never succeeded. I truly believed I was as ready for her death as anyone could be. I have been surprised by the overwhelming emotions that have flooded in. The truth is, it's hard to accept what she did. The fact that she left me on purpose, that it was a choice, has been a big pill to swallow. My mom loved me, she wouldn't do this to me and my brother deliberately. The blame came sneaking in...

The first person that I laid the blame on was her brother. She has two brothers, one was her best friend. I am close to that one, he is pretty wonderful. The other one my mom hated, he deserved to be hated. When my mom was a little girl he did unimaginable things to her. I saw him at my grandma's house a few days after my mom passed away. The anger and hate rushed over me. I couldn't stand to look at him, listen to him, or be in the same room as him. He started talking about my mom's salvation, oh yes, he did. I had to go outside before I lost it. He needs to worry about HIS OWN salvation, not my mom's. By the time I left my grandma's house that day it was all his fault. If he hadn't been such a sicko, my mom never would have gone down the path that she did. She was trying to cover the pain that HE caused. He did this to my mother, I hated him.

While we were at my grandma's house my brother grabbed my mom's cell phone and took it home with him. A few days later my brother called to tell me something he found on my mom's phone. The night my mom took my grandma's car, the day before she killed herself, a lady sent my mom a text. The text simply said "I have 25 of those for you". When my mom's bank statement came in, we saw that lady had cashed the check that my mom wrote her that night. We had her full name and with a little investigation on my brother's part we found out who she was, where she lived, and even found her on Facebook. Phil talked me out of lashing out at her. SHE killed my mom! I needed her to know what she did, I hated her.

Not long after that, I started focusing on my biological father. He was awful to my mom when they were married. He cheated on her many times, stayed out at bars all night, and treated her like his servant. My mom loved my dad deeply but all she got in return was hurt. He was so caught up in himself he didn't realize what he was doing to her, she felt unlovable. My own father did't even call me when he found out about my mom's death. He is an A-hole for lack of a better word. He may not of been the whole reason my mom killed herself but he was definitely a contributing factor.  

I have placed plenty of blame on myself. I know the tone I had with my mom the last several times we spoke, I know she heard it. I convinced myself that my mom was never going to change. I accepted who she was and what she had become. I quit fighting for her. She never would have quit on me, but I quit on her. I could have done more but I chose not to, it was exhausting. I took the easy way out. If I would have tried harder my mom would still be here.

Then there is my mom. How dare she do this to me! I have begged and pleaded with her too many times to count. I have fought with her and I have loved her. She made her choices and they were selfish. I have cried and told her how much it would hurt if I lost her, she knew, she did it anyways. Instead of facing us after she wrecked my grandma's car she got a gun. I have been so angry at her. My own mother hurt me more than anyone else on the face of the earth. My mom, that I loved so dearly, did this to herself.

I have had to do more forgiving in the past two months than I have had to do in my entire life. It has been vital for my peace and happiness. I forgive my uncle. I don't like him, I don't want to be around him but I forgive him. He has to live with what he has done, it is between him and God.

 I forgive the lady that sold my mom drugs. I know that if she wouldn't have sold them to my mom, someone else would have. My mom was an addict and she would have found a way. 

I forgive my dad. He was young when he and my mom were married. He has shut out almost his entire family. He can't be happy, I feel sorry for him.

 The hardest has been forgiving myself, I am getting there. I talk to my mom, she has forgiven me, I feel it. I will forgive myself too, I will.

 I forgive my mom. I hope she sees my brother and I on our strong days, I hope she looks down and knows we'll be okay. I no longer want her to know she hurt me, she has suffered enough. I want her to know I'm not mad at her. I tell her, I think she knows. 

I love my mom. I miss her so much it hurts. I have never considered myself a strong person but God has given me strength. I wish I could see my mom right now, in her perfect form. I am sure everyone that has lost a loved one feels that way. I have felt the spirit so may times over the last few months, I know my mom is with Christ. I am at peace.      

          

   

       

A Letter to my Mom

Mom-

I wish I could talk to you one last time. I want you to know everything that has been going on and all we have been through. I want you to know what you have done to us. I want you to know how angry I am at you. I hope somehow, someway you see this letter.

The first week after you took your life I was devastated. I felt so sorry for you. My heart was broken, it took everything in me to just  to crack a smile. I cried more tears than I thought was humanly possible. Your son was devastated, also. We thought about how much you have suffered over the years and how lonely you must have felt. We felt like we had let you down, that we could have done something different. The regret I have felt at times has been unbearable. 

I really felt the need to do one last thing for you to show you how much I loved you. I took that need and put it into trying to make your viewing as beautiful as possible. I bought you an outfit. It was tough finding something that I thought was nice enough for you that was also thick material over your chest. I didn't want any evidence of a gunshot wound showing up. I framed pictures of you before addiction so people could see how beautiful you were. I bought white candles because I thought they looked heavenly and peaceful. I redid your makeup and hair the best I could with my shaking hands. I wanted you to be proud. I wanted you to know I cared.

Now, I am mad. How dare you do this to us?! You have put me through the pits of hell over the last 12 years and then you just copped out like this! You are selfish! You sent me a card on my birthday and in that card you wrote to me my birthday gift from you. It was your word that you would NEVER try to take your life again. That you were so sorry for everything you have put me through and that I can sleep well knowing it will never happen again. LIES! You always lied to me, about everything, I really didn't believe you.

I wish you could have seen your sons face the day of your funeral. It is an image that I will never forget. He looked so sad, so disappointed. He wanted to go search for you as soon as he found out you were missing. He wanted to be the one to find you. The thought of you just laying dead somewhere was too much for him. I talked him out of it. I didn't want that to be something he lived with the rest of his life. He told me he wanted to sit in the car you killed yourself in, he wanted to feel your pain. Are you kidding me, mom? How could you do that to your son? You have been dead for 4 weeks and 1 day and he has only gotten three good nights of sleep. His average is three hours of sleep at night. What kind of mother would do that to her child?!

Then there's my son. Your death hasn't been a huge loss for him. I kept him from you. I didn't want him around you, I didn't trust you. After you died I was reading his texts. A friend texted him saying sorry about your grandma. Guess what his response was? I'M GLAD IT HAPPENED. I WAS TIRED OF HER UPSETTING AND HURTING MY MOM! That makes me so mad at you I can't even see straight! You have been so horrible over the last several years that my son is happy you're dead. The only grandma he knew was an awful person that caused grief to the people he loved. I am pissed at you, to say the least.

I know anger is a stage of grief and this will go away. I know I wouldn't be so mad at you if I didn't love you. Of course, I love you. I want a do-over. I want you back. I want one more chance. I want to scream and yell at you. I want to march your butt into rehab and convince you to stay. I want to hug you and never let go. I wish I could have saved you, mom. I wish I wouldn't have given up. I'm so incredibly sorry. 

Your daughter

XOXOXOXOXO