Yesterday my beautiful mom passed away. My heart is shattered. I have known this day was coming for a long time but I guess I'm not as ready as I thought I would be. I love my mom. I am going to miss her more than I can explain in words.
When I started sharing the story I said I was going to be honest. I want to help people so, I intend to keep sharing and writing. Honestly, it is therapeutic for me. Here is what played out yesterday...
At 4:00am I was woken up by a phone call. It was my Uncle so I froze and didn't answer. He wouldn't call me at 4:00 to chit-chat. I woke Phil up and asked him to sit with me while I called my Uncle back because I knew I was about to get the news that my mom had passed. As soon as he answered the phone I knew my mom was ok. His voice told me she was alive. My mom was living with my grandma and she had snuck my grandma's car out in the middle of the night and wrecked her car. My mom found a ride back to my grandma's house and when she got to the house she was acting awful. She was yelling at my poor grandma and had lost all control. My grandma called my Uncle and he rushed over there and called the police.
My feelings of worry turned into feelings of anger. My mom could be the most frustrating person on earth. What in the world was she thinking?!?! It is the first of the month so she just got her social security check. I know she left to get drugs but I don't know what exactly she was getting or where she was getting them. I almost called her but decided not to because I didn't feel like fighting with her. I told Phil that I was not going to let her ruin our holiday weekend. I will never regret anything more than I regret that choice.
Around noon my grandma and Uncle left to go get my grandma's car. When they returned home they found a suicide note and my mom had taken the gun. When my Uncle called and told me, I knew. I knew that this time was different, I knew deep down that my mom had finally succeeded. The police found her in an old, broke-down car close to my grandma's house.
I have to figure out how to get that vision out of my head. It breaks my heart to think of how desperate my mom felt in her final moments. I keep asking God to please let my mom know how much I love her. I need my mom to know how much she was loved.
Happy Independent's Day, mom! You are finally free. You are free from all the hurt and you are free from addiction. I will never be ashamed of you or your struggles. I am proud to have you as my mom. I love you, always.
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