I will never know a lot of things. I am surprised by all the questions I have, questions to that seem so important to me right now. Was she crying or was she numb? Was she angry or was she sad? Did she die instantly or did she suffer? Did she REALLY mean to do it? Did she feel loved? Did she think I had given up on her? If I would have called her would this have happened? These questions will never be answered, and even if they were it wouldn't change anything. I have to let them go. I will figure how with time.
The day after my mom died we found out that she shot herself in the heart. My brother and I assumed she had shot herself in the head. This was a huge shock to us. This meant we could have a viewing and see her one more time. The thought of that made me very anxious, I wasn't sure if I could handle seeing her. Seeing mom was very important to my brother so, that's what we did. Walking into that room to see her were the the hardest steps I have ever taken. If my brother hadn't been there talking me through it and holding my hand I'm not sure if I would have gone in. My mom looked so old. Even though her eyes were closed I could see all the hurt in her eyes. She looked tired, she looked defeated.
My brother and I are going to get through this. We both have so many things to be grateful for. We both believe with all of our hearts that our mom is ok now, that she is not suffering anymore. We both are clinging to that. We are finding joy in each day. I am smiling and surrounding myself with people that I love everyday, even when I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Everything is going to be ok. It is well with my soul.
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