The Weeks After

It has been two weeks and two days since my mom died. In the past 10 years I have played her death out in my mind a million times. In those 10 years I never played the scenario out of her shooting herself. It was always an overdose, a car wreck, or her body just quitting. Maybe that's why this has been so tough, I wasn't ready for it to happen this way. Maybe it would have been this tough no matter how it happened. I guess I will never know.

I will never know a lot of things. I am surprised by all the questions I have, questions to that seem so important to me right now. Was she crying or was she numb? Was she angry or was she sad? Did she die instantly or did she suffer? Did she REALLY mean to do it? Did she feel loved? Did she think I had given up on her? If I would have called her would this have happened? These questions will never be answered, and even if they were it wouldn't change anything. I have to let them go. I will figure how with time.  

The day after my mom died we found out that she shot herself in the heart. My brother and I assumed she had shot herself in the head. This was a huge shock to us. This meant we could have a viewing and see her one more time. The thought of that made me very anxious, I wasn't sure if I could handle seeing her. Seeing mom was very important to my brother so, that's what we did. Walking into that room to see her were the the hardest steps I have ever taken. If my brother hadn't been there talking me through it and holding my hand I'm not sure if I would have gone in. My mom looked so old. Even though her eyes were closed I could see all the hurt in her eyes. She looked tired, she looked defeated.

My brother and I are going to get through this. We both have so many things to be grateful for. We both believe with all of our hearts that our mom is ok now, that she is not suffering anymore. We both are clinging to that. We are finding joy in each day. I am smiling and surrounding myself with people that I love everyday, even when I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Everything is going to be ok. It is well with my soul.   

Yesterday, The Hardest Day of My Life

Yesterday my beautiful mom passed away. My heart is shattered. I have known this day was coming for a long time but I guess I'm not as ready as I thought I would be. I love my mom. I am going to miss her more than I can explain in words.  

When I started sharing the story I said I was going to be honest. I want to help people so, I intend to keep sharing and writing. Honestly, it is therapeutic for me. Here is what played out yesterday...

At 4:00am I was woken up by a phone call. It was my Uncle so I froze and didn't answer. He wouldn't call me at 4:00 to chit-chat. I woke Phil up and asked him to sit with me while I called my Uncle back because I knew I was about to get the news that my mom had passed. As soon as he answered the phone I knew my mom was ok. His voice told me she was alive. My mom was living with my grandma and she had snuck my grandma's car out in the middle of the night and wrecked her car. My mom found a ride back to my grandma's house and when she got to the house she was acting awful. She was yelling at my poor grandma and had lost all control. My grandma called my Uncle and he rushed over there and called the police.

My feelings of worry turned into feelings of anger. My mom could be the most frustrating person on earth. What in the world was she thinking?!?! It is the first of the month so she just got her social security check. I know she left to get drugs but I don't know what exactly she was getting or where she was getting them. I almost called her but decided not to because I didn't feel like fighting with her. I told Phil that I was not going to let her ruin our holiday weekend. I will never regret anything more than I regret that choice.

Around noon my grandma and Uncle left to go get my grandma's car. When they returned home they found a suicide note and my mom had taken the gun. When my Uncle called and told me, I knew. I knew that this time was different, I knew deep down that my mom had finally succeeded. The police found her in an old, broke-down car close to my grandma's house.    

 I have to figure out how to get that vision out of my head. It breaks my heart to think of how desperate my mom felt in her final moments. I keep asking God to please let my mom know how much I love her. I need my mom to know how much she was loved.  

Happy Independent's Day, mom! You are finally free. You are free from all the hurt and you are free from addiction. I will never be ashamed of you or your struggles. I am proud to have you as my mom. I love you, always.

The Good Years

When my mom and bonus dad got married things were really good for me, it was a different story for my brother. He didn't like the thought of our mom being with another man. He really wanted our parents to stay together. My brother and my dad had a much closer bond than my dad and I had. I was always scared of my dad, that's how he liked it. Anyways, my brother put up a good fight when my mom remarried. It's funny how two kids in the exact same house with the exact same situation handle things completely different. My brother was in total misery while I was in total bliss.

I believe with all my heart that my mom was happy, though she denies it now. She was such a good mom and wife, in fact, I would put her at the top as one of the best. We spent so much time together. My mom was hilarious! She loved pulling pranks on people and she was really good at it. I remember eggs being cracked on heads, cold water dumped on you while you were in the shower, you could never trust a sink sprayer, and sandwiches being wrapped in tampon boxes. We never missed church and my mom never missed an opportunity to teach me right from wrong. Our home full of laughter and happiness.

Things started SLOWLY going down hill. My mom would have a random day that she wouldn't come out of her room or a day that she couldn't smile. She started getting sick all the time but the Doctor's could never quite figure out what was wrong. She became too sick to leave the house. Our house slowly became a place that we tip-toed around so that we were sure not to disturb her.

My bonus dad took on my moms duties around the house. He did the cooking, grocery shopping, and cleaning. Mom stayed in her room. We lived a pretty normal life, all the while mom was locked up in her room. Sometimes I wouldn't see her for weeks. Then it happened.  I came home from school to discover the police had been at our house. My mom had been stealing prescription pads from the Doctor's office and writing her own prescriptions for pain medicine. She got caught and was in big trouble. I couldn't believe she had been doing that but I wasn't totally shocked either. Thus, the beginning of a slippery slope called drug addition.   

My favorite picture of me and my brother