Thankful & Grateful

I have been dreading this since the day my mom took her life. I love the holidays. This year is different. The thought of them give me anxiety. I didn't spend very many holidays with my mom. She always had some tragic emergency excusing her from coming around. Something always prevented her from showing up to family gatherings. Sickness, car trouble, drive by shootings, break-ins, muggings, and so on. None of which were true. I, of course, went along with her stupid stories. I am frustrated with myself for that. Why didn't I call her out? Why didn't I fight harder? I lived in fear. I was terrified of my mama. I was scared to death that the minute I called her out she would kill herself. When my brother would tell me he was going to confront her, I got scared. I would give him the scenario  of him having that hard truth talk with her and then she kills herself. I was worried sick he would have to live with that. He would change his mind and keep quiet. He was scared, too.

I spent Thanksgiving with my mama two years ago. I was a nervous wreck. My husband's family was at my house. My mom was beat to hell. She told me a man with road rage pulled her out of her car and beat her. I knew that wasn't the truth. I knew that wasn't what happened. Once again, I went along with it. I acted like I believed every word she said, even though her story changed a few times. I am dealing with that. I hate it. Why was I such a coward? The very thing I was so scared of happened. Why didn't I get real with her? If I would have had that hard come to Jesus talk with her she might be spending this Thanksgiving with me. I hate this. I already said that, didn't I?         

I think I unknowingly sabotaged this holiday season. I put our house on the market with no plan. We have no home to buy. Who does that?! Our house sold in three days. We are closing on December 18th. Do you know what that means? No decorating for the holidays. This year instead of enjoying the holidays we will be packing up and moving. Very clever, huh? Until the moment I had a small breakdown. Out of nowhere I started crying. I blurted out to my husband I am leaving my mom! I am leaving the house that she knows I live in! What if she needs me? She won't be able to find me! I was stunned when those words came out of my mouth. I started laughing and crying at the same time. I knew what I said was crazy. Where did that come from?

Even though I am dealing with a lot of stupid guilt and self-doubt, it is easy to recognize how blessed I am. I have the most patient, kind, giving, loving, and handsome husband. I have a son that would make it easy for me to be of those annoying bragging moms. He is wise beyond his years. I have a brother that is my best friend. We decided a long time ago that we would stand united through everything and we have never swayed from that. I have a bonus dad that has been my rock. He is the most compassionate human I have ever known. I can count on him 100% of the time. I have his new wife and her family. They are good people. I consider them family. I have my dad's family. They have stood by me every.single.step of the way.  I have in-laws that I could have searched the world over and not found better. Most importantly, I have a compassionate, loving, and forgiving God. Because of Him I will see my mama's beautiful face again. Because of Him I know my mom is healed and complete. I am thankful and grateful. Happy Thanksgiving!