Saturday, October 31, 2015

Learning to Adapt

It has almost been 4 months since my mama passed away. The last few weeks have been "magical". My emotions have seemed to level out, I am feeling like my old self again. I have worked really hard to stop some obsessive, unhealthy habits I have developed since my mom took her life. I am not sure if the things I found myself doing are normal or if I was losing my mind a little, I am hoping they were normal. I couldn't wait for my husband to leave town (he travels a lot for his job) and for my son to go to school. I loved being all alone so I could do all my new "rituals" without anyone knowing. 

I created a playlist of the songs that were played at my mom's funeral. I would listen to them in perfect order that they were played at mama's service. One small interruption and I would start all over, from the beginning. I would close my eyes and really feel the music. This could go on for hours, tears streaming the whole time. I have deleted all the songs from my playlist. Okay, I kept "Hands" by Jewel. I love that song, I don't want to delete it. All the others are gone. This was a big step for me. I think know it has been a good thing.

I have a box of my mama's things. She didn't have a lot but there were a few things I became obsessed with. I have her Bible. I would read the scriptures she had highlighted. I would try to figure out at what stage in her life she highlighted them and what exactly they meant to her. I guess in some funny way I felt like it would show me her soul. I would read and re-read the poem on the flyer they handed out at her service. It was beautiful and in my mind so fitting. And then there was her suicide letter. You can only imagine how obsessed I became with that thing! It didn't give any true answers but I guess I thought if I read it a million times I would find something I missed all the previous times I read it. I was letting myself become a crazy person. About a month ago I had my husband take that box and put it in the attic. I had to stop. The guilt I felt was huge. I felt like I was just throwing my mama in the attic. How could I just throw her in the attic? It was the right thing to do.

I miss my mom so much. I wasn't prepared for how much I would miss her. Sometimes I wonder if I was a little addicted to the craziness she brought into my life. There was always drama. I always needed to help her. I felt like her mother. She needed me. I always had a crazy, unbelievable story. I don't anymore. The craziness is over. In the blink of an eye it was all over and gone. I am learning to adapt. I love her. I miss her. 



     

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